Pancakes are good, but only if they smile (this is my longest one yet)

I work at a movie theatre. This theater is called The Carmike 16 at the Summit. I don't have a specific job at this theatre, because I can do everything. I usually work what My fellow employees and I call "Door". This  position consists of ripping tickets and directing people towards their theaters, sweeping up popcorn on the floor, cleaning the theaters, taking out the trash, and cleaning bathrooms. Out of all these responsibilities, I have one task...to be completely awesome while doing all of them. One day I was standing at the post where I rip tickets, and these three children walk up to me. They hand me their tickets and I rip them. They were going to see Kungfu Panda 2. I told them where to go for their movie and they went on their way. A minute later, I notice them quickly walk behind me. They were headed towards The Hangover 2, which is definitely not a children's' movie. Now I know what it's like to be young and not being able to do certain things, but there are lines that I will not cross. Of the three children, the oldest one was 12. The second oldest, maybe 9. The youngest one was 7 years old. They thought they could be clever and hang around the women's restroom, which is right across from The Hangover 2, but it didn't fool me. I saw the oldest go in first; he just casually walked in like he belonged there. The second oldest one was still sitting on the bench next to the theater across from the women's restroom. I had my eyes on them the whole time. I was ripping tickets and directing customers to their movies without even looking at what theater it was. After about four minutes of sitting on the bench, the second oldest child finally finds his courage and tries to go in. He looks over at me to make sure I'm not looking, which I am, and we make eye contact. I stared at him with the fierce  intensity of a German man that swallows mountains, and his eyes go wide. He sprints into the theater to escape my icy glare, while the youngest one sits on the floor and starts to cry. I run off towards the theater to catch and punish the hooly-hoppers, and as I pass by the young child crying, I pick it up. I slowly begin to rock the child in my arms and sing it a lullaby to calm it down. When the child is lulled to sleep with my angelic voice, I take it into the nearby restroom and violently shove it into the toilet. I stomp on the flush handle with my foot and admire my awesomeness as the child spins down the bowl. The child was never seen again. Feeling accomplished with part of my mission, I go towards the door to the theater and kick it open. My eyes adjusted to the darkness of the theater, and I headed in. I saw the two children in the middle of the rows of seats. I then unhinged my jaw and opened my mouth. A vortex of anger and justice formed in my oral cavity and quickly grew. The force from the vortex pulled the children towards me, and they were sucked into my mouth. I carried them, in my mouth, out of the theater. I spat them out near the door and roared, "Don't ever come back here again, or I will kick out your teeth and use them to stab your eyes out!". The next day, the two children awoke in their beds. They each found a note nailed to their ceiling. The note read, "Dear child, If you ever speak of what happened at the theater to anyone, I will break off your arms and use them to check you for prostate cancer." Ever since, the children have eaten their vegetables.

A-Chowklet A-sowce

I no longer work in concessions at The Carmike. Now, I work door. Mostly post; ripping tickets. That doesn't mean that I'm finished selling buckets. I was standing post the other day, punching the ceiling because our buckets sales were down, and I saw someone come up to me. I noticed a problem with this person. They didn't have a bucket. I stared at them intensely until their eyes met mine. Our eyes became such good friends that they started dancing with each other much like one would at a wedding. Then I yelled at them, "WHERE'S YOUR BUCKET?!". They were so afraid of my wrath that they immediately blew out $15 from their hindquarters. I took the $15 dollars, without moving from post and while ripping other peoples' tickets at the same time, and grabbed a bucket and crammed it down their throat. I hoisted them up above my shoulders and threw them into their theater. As they flew through the air they thanked me and donated a dollar to Children's Miracle Network. Donate money or else Will Ferrell will dance on top of your car wearing a mariachi suit while playing the cowbell.

The patient are rewarded!

It has been a very long time since I last posted on this blog. I had to take a little time off from the blog to focus on my bucket sales. But now my full attention will be directed towards this blog.

The magic of camel fur

I was at the theatre the other day, making sure the place was running smoothly. I run that place. I talk to my compadre, Caleb, and I notice these two ladies standing in the parking lot. Caleb tells me they've been standing there for 30 minutes. I said " I know what they're here for, let me give 'em what they want." I rip off my shirt and stand in plain view, exposing my manly chest to the onlookers. They immediately sprint up to the box office to gaze at my man-bosom. I then buttoned my shirt back up and they begin to beg me to do it again. Feeling that they wouldn't be able to handle that much sexiness, I refused. They walked away disappointed, sorry ladies.  

Alabama's most powerful senator, me

I didn't work last weekend. Why? Because I was too busy layin' down the law of Alabama. Some skater punks think they can run around in the streets, skating wherever they want? I don't think so, pistol-slap them in their skinny, white faces. Don't have enough money to fund your network of secret bunkers? Sell NASA. That's the kind of work I do when not selling buckets. While I was in Montgomery, I talked to Governor Bentley. I told him about the most important part our economy. The Bucket. I told him about The Bucket. We discussed the issue of Alabama not sellin' enough Buckets. So we came to an awesome conclusion. We decided to make not selling buckets ILLEGAL. Everyone, everywhere is now required to sell Buckets so that everyone knows about the awesome tastiness of deal-licious Buckets.

Carmike Cinemas, or Carmike Cinnamons?

I had an idea the other day. A very good idea. I was standing there in Lowside on Saturday, like I do every Saturday, and I thought that the theatre would make a lot more money if we sold cookies. Everybody likes cookies except for people who don't have souls, like "Pam". So, we start selling cookies. But people want more than just cookies, they want cinnamon rolls. So we start making those. Soon, cinnamon rolls turn into bigger cinnamon rolls, which in turn become cakes. Then that's where the best part comes in. If the Bucket is the best deal at the Carmike, then we take that Bucket and fill it with A CAKE. The deal with the Bucket is you buy it now for $25.00 and you bring it back and refill it for just $2.50. BAM

Why was Mr. Brasseal sweating?

I walked into the theatre yesterday, because I was buying shirts from Belk. I was in the break room checking my schedule, then Mr. Brasseal rips open the door and shouts "DEVIN, I NEED YOU!!" He was sweating. He wanted me to sign some stupid thing. So I did. Then I asked him why he was sweating and he because he was fat. I didn't know that he was fat. He doesn't look fat. I think he was sweating because he was eating chocolate. He was eating chocolate so intensely that he started to sweat. That's how I would eat chocolate, like a man. Eat your chocolate like it was about to rip through your hand and murder you. That's smart.

My sweater vest

The best time to to wear a wool sweater...is all the time. The one with a collared, turtle-neck. That's the kiiiiiiind. CUZ WHEN YOU'RE WEARING...THAT ONE SPECIAL SWEATER. I like my sweater vest. It is soft. It is also beige. When I wear it, it feels like i'm wearing a lamb. I walked in to the theater on Monday wearing my sweater and saw "Pam". "Pam" said "How are you today, Devin?" then I said "HOLY CRAP FEEL MY SWEATER!" Then "Pam" quickly ran away to go torture babies...or something with fish.

Working in Sattelite

This Saturday I worked in Low-side sattelite. It sucked. I was really bored, so I drew a stick figure on a piece of paper and named it Kevin. He used to be a boxer and he likes button-down shirts. People were still coming to see Justin Bieber. Why does he like the color purple so much? Because purple stands for dinosaur, like triceratopses with purple shirts and gloves...and dinosaurs are extinct.

Justin Bieber

The new Justin Bieber movie, Never say Never, came out today. A bunch of teenage girls came to see it, and while they waited for the movie to start, they sang. Loudly. They also spilled popcorn everywhere. One girl had a Justin Bieber-seizure and popcorn spilled all over the floor. I had to clean it up, and I blame Biebers. If I ever see Justin Bieber, I'm going break his legs and use his hair as a mop to clean up puddle of puke. My puke. The puke of hatred and revenge. Justin Bieber owes me seven hours of my life back. I had to serve screaming fan-girls popcorn for seven hours. Who makes a biography-movie about Justin Bieber, anyway? That's like if I made a documentary about the mating patterns of Elephant Seals, but instead I made a movie about buckets filled with pancake-wearing bald men. I would call it...Elmer's House of Pancakes.

Mr. Brasseal is weird(in a good way)

I was working on Sunday and I was just standing at my terminal. Then Mr. Brasseal walks up with a Zoes cup and fills it up with sprite. Then he turns to me with his legs crossed, his free hand on his hip, nods his head and says " How's it goin'?" I said awesome and he left. That man is my boss, and so is "Pam". I wish "Pam" would curl her hair with a curling iron and then drop it in her mouth and she chokes on it, there's your buckets for ya.

Workeeng weeth feesh

The Mechanic was bad, don't see it. Bleh, bleh, bleh. That is how "Pam" talks, she talks like a retarded fish with no lips. Fish dont have lips, that is why "Pam" is like fish...because I eat fish and "Pam" is not eaten by me so she is kind of not like fish. If a stick man was sixty feet tall, he would take up a football field. I hope that sixty foot stick man would eat "Pam" like fish.

My dream job meets Epic Meal Time

I currently work at The Carmike. I don't like working there, but sometimes I do...even though I don't. My dream job would be to make giant hamburgers in a big kitchen. I would have a stove the size of an elephant, it would be big so it can fit the whole hamburger that I have to make. The hamburger would be the size of a semi-truck. Here's how I would make it. First, I take the meat and I would tenderize with my fists, that's smart. I would then take a bottle of Baileys and pour it on the stove. Boil that Baileys, what you know about that?! Put bacon in the Baileys, make that pig drunk! Make the buns out of french bread, the size of Texas. Brand my face in the buns, we're talkin' sexy food!

For those of you who don't know about Epic Meal Time, it is the greatest youtube channel I have ever watched. Here's a link, EpicMealTime. Go to it, and finally live

Me not working, but I went to the theater anyway and I got my wisdom teeth taken out and "Pam" is stupid

I got my wisdom teeth removed this weekend and my face still hurts. I was supposed to work this weekend, but I fixed that because I run this place. I went there on Saturday to see a movie, but because "Pam" is dumb I couldn't. For some reason, "Pam" seemed to know a lot about dentistry. I wouldn't doubt it if he minored in dentistry, so he could cause children pain. If "Pam" was a bottle of shampoo he would be dog shampoo, because dog shampoo isn't for people...its for dogs. Also I saw The Rite

Kickin' the trash

Yesterday, I went to revise my schedule with my boss, because I make the schedule...not him, THAT'S SMART! He had me working on Friday and Saturday, but I cant work on those days because I'm getting my wisdom teeth removed. So let me tell you how this went down. I walked in, no, I SPRINTED in and saw my manager. I looked him straight in the face and stared into his soul. I said " Hey! You tool, why do you have me scheduled on these days, when I specifically told you that I can't. I got stuff to do and Carmikes to not go to." Then he said, "Okay" Now I don't work, but I'm getting my wisdom teeth removed.

The Green Hornet

It was okay. I did like the asian guy, though. He was funny, because he spoke Engrish. His name was Kato, and he was good at martial art. He could also slow down time with his brain or eyes or something like that. Seth Rogan was the main character. He was Britt Reid, the son of a rich newspaper guy, or something like that. I don't really know how someone can make a ton of money on newspapers, because who really reads newspapers any more? You can just go on the internets and reads stuff for free, instead of paying for a newspaper. When now I remember that Britt Reid's father took a bunch of bribes to keep certain stories out of the news. There is this guy I work with at the carmike that actually looks like the asian guy in Green Hornet. His name is Changmin Park, but everyone calls him Josh...and sometimes Kato.

Lettin' the warm out

One day, William was working door, and "Pam" came back. The door had been left open, so that the door people come get back in. So "Pam" is all like "WHY IS THAT DOOR OPEN?!, THIS IS WHY WE CAINT SELL NO BUCKETS, CUZ Y'ALL LETTIN' ALL THE WARM OUT!!!!" tHE END

The Vacuum-man

There's this mexican guy that has a vacuum-backpack. He is really fast.

The Bucket 2.0

Yesterday, I was at work and I thought of this great idea. It was a bucket. Now this bucket was the size of a large child and it would cost $85, but you could refill it for $2.50 for THE REST OF YOUR LIFE...and we deliver to your house. I thought we could change the uniforms from tuxedo shirts and bow ties to blue polos and bucket hats. We will rename the company from Carmike to Dominoe's Buckets. We will make billions!

I worked yesterday. "Pam" was there. She said she liked chocolate popcorn. I ate some chocolate popcorn. It was tasty, like me. I am tasty. If I was a food I would be a bucket, becuase it is tasty and so am I. Buckets are not food, they are buckets. Buckets are the best deal at the Carmike, You buy them once for $15 and you can then refill them for the rest of the year for $2.50. You can get butter on your popcorn. I don't like the butter very much becuase it's not butter. It is oil. It has 300 calories per ounce of oil. William works at the Carmike with Caleb and me.

The Carmike

At the carmike, we sell buckets. These buckets are big. They are also $15. You can refill these buckets for $2.50. These buckets are good, because they will save you money and they make "Pam" happy. A happy "Pam" is a not good thing, but neither is a not happy "Pam". I do not like "Pam". Caleb works at the Carmike. Caleb is wierd. He smiles like a horse.